我还没痊愈。心仍沉，颜色也灰暗，仔细一点还听见隐约的啜泣声。
我以为我只是在迷茫未来的去向。老公说我不该写科幻，因为我对科学没有热情。我也害怕自己不适合当作家。因为我的思维模式属于抽象的哲思型，不擅于具体的形象思考。还有，我也担心自己对政治的冷漠会阻碍了我的写作。再来，老公说我没有专注的领域，对什么都有兴趣等于没有对任何东西有特别兴趣。这些问题都困扰了我两天。我觉得如果自己要再向前迈，就必须有决心改变生活方式。
可是，我发现，这些具体琐碎的问题放下以后，我仍觉得郁闷。
我想，就是它了，那个关键问题。
研讨会上，我走到陈思和面前，跟他相认。他是我15，16年前大学的教授。他竟然记得我。他问我，我在干什么。我回答说：“我想要当作家。”我把这件事告诉了老公。老公分析说，我写作的原因是因为——-“我想当作家”。这不是正确答案。这是一个问题，而且是个不小的问题。
为什么我要写作？因为，我要当作家。为什么我要当作家？我想，就因为在我心目中，作家头上有光环。这光环代表荣耀，代表名誉，也代表地位。老公说，要在一件事上干出成就来，最原本的动力，其实很简单——喜欢做。因为喜欢做，做的时候就会开心，也会做得越多越好，然后就越做越好了。可是，我写作的初心，竟然不是因为写作过程中的那份喜悦。
我豁然开朗。我不是不享受写作，只是没有到非常纯粹的地步。很多人说，这一届花踪的关键词是——单纯。我想，我没有资格说自己是个单纯的人。怪不得，我会落选了，因为我很复杂（当然不是！如果问题有这么简单就好。）我把写作这件事附带的一些身外物，如荣耀，名誉与地位看得太重了。甚至于，有时候，它们沉重得变成了负担，阻碍我享受写作的快乐。现在，这个负担还在我肩上，压得我睡不稳，吃不香，也感受不到平凡生活的乐趣了。我忘了写作最初的心情。写作外带的荣耀，名誉与地位竟然取代了写作的最根本。
你试试再问我，我以后要做什么？我知道正确答案了。那就是——我要继续写作，因为我喜欢写作。
你还想再试试吗？那你问，我还要当作家吗？这，我不敢肯定自己会回答正确。我只会对你说：“在我成为很会写的作家之前，我会当个喜欢写的写作人。”
One of the main good reason to join a competition is you actually begin to see yourself more and further and dancing back and forth during that period. Its a hype of expectations and let-down to all sort of emotions ; which I find so much to gain from throughout the period as a child begin to be curious and look explore further. Unless you decided to throw the towel then that is another story. But I believe you wants to go further.
I often find your writing very much a total reflections of your thought and also the pattern of writing is quite identical to your speech as well. Perhaps it time to take a bolder step.. swarm in further into the thoughts of an astronaut.. a car racer.. an angry mob.. widen up the sphere of empathy in thoughts. The rigidity pattern will eventually find a new paradigm.
Just that little curiosity further once a day… how does an Islamic scholar think instead of asking why he thought as such.. or perhaps for once you go drive 140km/h and feel the love.
Have fun!
To widen my perspective and to explore and expand further of my imagination is always the most important aim of my writing. My blog posts serve as practices of my writing skills, and are mostly my thoughts and daily emotions. Only in short stories I will tell stories of different characters.
Thank you very much of your kind concern and your sincere advice.